Most people feel insecure, entering a new relationship. It is quite normal that we want to impress the potential partner and show ourselves from the best side, hiding our shortcomings.
If it makes you feel better, you should know that such changes in behavior are typical of all people! When you feel insecure, your partner feels the same! However, if this fear of the other one continues for long and creates difficulties in communication, you should deal with it. Today we will consider how to handle insecurity in a relationship and what the roots of this problem are.
Are Relationship Insecurities Normal?
Uncertainty in a relationship is a consequence of fear. The irony is that usually, it is about a fear that you will not be loved the way you are. A girl can think that if she turns out to be imperfect, the man will find single woman and leave her. And men are often afraid of not living up to the expectations of their beloved, so they experience difficulties showing real emotions.
If “saying I love you” is hard to you, and you don’t know how to feel secure in a relationship and be yourself in front of your partner, this will inevitably lead to serious stress, and the relationship will suffer because you will imagine different scenarios of what will happen when you are revealed.
If you are afraid that your partner will find out who you really are, that he (or she) will see you “emotionally naked,” you will hide your true self and pretend to be someone else. How long can you do this? Some do it endlessly. And all they achieve with it is damage to relationships and stress.
Another big issue is the fear of rejection. It is generated by a fear of revealing one’s true face. You are afraid to be rejected precisely as a result of this. It is painful to be rejected, and therefore, we are guarded by a wall and emotionally hold our partner at arm's length.
But it should not be so. You can overcome doubts in yourself and enjoy wonderful relationships in which there is no uncertainty. Because being insecure in a relationship is not normal in a long-term perspective. This feeling complicates your interaction and inevitably leads to accumulating more problems.
What Are the Typical Relationship Insecurities?
There are many manifestations of insecurity in the partner. A list of the most frequent ones will help you get to know yourself better. By knowing yourself, you can avoid manifestations of low self-esteem and psychological traumas in relationships and advance towards understanding your own behavior, inner attitudes and emotions. Assessing the impact of your actions on what is happening will help you create a sincere relationship here and now.
Fear of intimacy
Do you remember that feeling of closeness from childhood? If not, intimacy may cause you discomfort. As the relationship develops, you may experience fear - sincere affection seems alien and false to you. Instead of allowing yourself to enter into emotionally intimate relationships, you can distance yourself both emotionally and sexually.
If your parents have experienced a painful divorce or cheated on each other, most likely, it will be very difficult for you to trust a partner. Whether you are aware of your overly strict alertness or not, you will doubt the partner, and this will not allow you to completely immerse yourself in the relationship. By constantly waiting for possible betrayal, you will become especially vulnerable. So, alertness is the sign typical of people who are insecure in a relationship.
How can he/she love me? Of course, he/she doesn’t like me, does he/she? This underlying attachment insecurity controls your emotions and behavior. You do not believe that you can become a subject of sincere love, and you force your partner to prove their feelings at every convenient opportunity. However, you do not trust the evidence obtained.
You can even destroy relationships by convincing yourself that the partner will leave anyway sooner or later. The end of the relationship will give you a reason to say, “Well, that's what I was talking about. I do not deserve love." And parting, in this case, will give you more reasons to suffer for a long time.
In an attempt to protect yourself, you suspect even an honest partner of lies. You doubt your partner so often that they may find the lie acceptable - since she/he has already been punished for it, why not commit a crime? In turn, this only maintains the confidence in you that no one can be trusted.
Search for instability
You have already encountered situations that underestimate your self-esteem (you were abandoned, you were cheated on, etc), and subconsciously choose a relationship in which you can find this insecurity familiar to you. If one was not found, you can create it yourself. And if the relationship is too stable, you lose interest in them.
You are so used to trying to maintain an unreliable relationship that now only they attract you. The deepest part of your personality is trying to undermine love and then stabilize it again, artificially creating more relationship insecurities.
Main Sources of Relationship Insecurity
The topic of self-doubt is doubly complex: firstly, because its roots go deeper and precede the problem of good and evil, and secondly, this topic is so painfully close to everyone that many people who deal with it need clear concrete answers. What are the roots of insecurity in a relationship and why do they interfere with the normal life of so many people?
Self-doubt, insecurity in relationships and excessive shyness, as a rule, are rooted in childhood. Parents have a huge impact on the child’s self-awareness. They become a kind of mirror that praises, reflecting a beautiful picture, and criticizes, revealing flaws. The way our parents and other adults “reflect” us is imprinted in our psyche and affects the formation of our ideas about ourselves. To understand the influence that parents had on each of us to develop self-confidence or shyness is to take the first step to restore our self-esteem and be confident not only in our partner but in ourselves.
Fear of being bad, fear of appearing selfish, fear of being abandoned. We feel that if we love and respect ourselves, then someone may not like it, and we will not be loved. Yes, indeed, there will be people who benefit from using you, and you suddenly begin to protect your boundaries, and it will not suit them. After all, what does “selfish” mean? This is about a person who is uncomfortable for others. One who cannot be controlled. And for some people, this state of affairs will seem very unprofitable. Do you need people like them next to you?
Many of us have a fear that if we begin to demand respect for ourselves and if we begin to love and protect ourselves, we will become bad. As one wonderful psychotherapist said, “Protecting your personal borders, you do not become a bad person. You become an adult.”
Past negative experience
It is another common cause of relationship insecurity. It is worth remembering that no one is programmed for "unsuccessful" love affairs. But if you feel that some things are repeating time after time, that you are making the same mistake not twice but many times, this is an occasion to go to a consultation with a psychologist and try to analyze what is happening. Awareness of a certain pattern of behavior is already enough for the situation not to happen again and change for the better.
How to Feel Secure in a Relationship: Step By Step Guide
All of us have at least once encountered problems in our personal relationships - problems caused by our own self-doubt. How to get rid of it? There are 10 reliable ways to do this.
Get to know yourself better
Other people may have a completely different perception of you as an individual. Also, you may be trying to hide some of your sides so that no one knows your true self. Suppose, for example, you have difficulty achieving your goals, and you don’t want your potential partner to see you as a loser. You begin to invent impressive stories about your achievements and praise yourself, trying to become the solution to your partner's dreams and problems. You radiate confidence and success and hide the fact that you are harming yourself. So, start by analyzing yourself. The answers to the question, “Why do I suffer from insecurity relationship?” is already in you.
Be yourself. Be sincere
You need to know about subconscious thoughts, words, and deeds that reveal your true nature. Meditation is the most direct path to self-knowledge. When you listen to your inner dialogue, it sheds light on your true self. Many of us simply do not engage in this form of self-knowledge.
If you notice that the tone of your inner dialogue is negative, don't be discouraged. Think of it as very valuable information for thought because you can change the nature of your thoughts. Having realized your inner nature, use the exercises for self-programming to get rid of old programs that you do not need.
What programs should be changed?
Any beliefs directed against yourself (“I am not good enough” or “I cannot do this”). To reveal the love of another person, you must first love yourself! When you know yourself, you can be open. You can tell your partner, “You know, I always had problems with ... but I ...” Sincerity is appreciated by everyone. Be yourself. Accept your uniqueness. Work on what you want to change and try to see yourself through the eyes of your partner - to see in yourself a person worthy of love!
Focus your attention on the partner
You will naturally begin to better accept yourself if you focus on the positive sides of the partner and your positive sides. After all, you can’t be tuned both positively and negatively, right? One way how to be less insecure in a relationship is to focus on what you like and remember that you have these qualities. As a result, your uncertainty will be replaced by confidence that will soar to unprecedented heights.
Be satisfied with yourself
Many people perceive the partner as someone who can fill some void or complete them. But it's not healthy. You do not need to be completed - you are a self-sufficient person and always will be, no matter what happens in a relationship. You had been self-sufficient long before you met your partner, and all the voids that you see in yourself exist only in your imagination.
Spot the good at the coach
It is natural for man to doubt himself and his abilities. On the one hand, it’s good if this can encourage self-development. So, always work on yourself whenever possible because YOU are the only person you can change! But when these doubts go too far, they can inhibit your self-esteem and even become a part of you. When you focus on the good qualities of a partner, you focus less on yourself. And if you need to develop these qualities in yourself, you will not feel unworthy.
It is difficult, but do not rush to conclusions
Try to acknowledge that the problem may be imaginary because of your own overthinking. Make an attempt to look at things more realistically and do not rush to think about the worst. If you still have powerful doubts, then they should be discussed with a partner. Be careful and open to what they tell you, but do not make hasty conclusions since most often, such an impulsive reaction is false.
Look for potential causes of your insecurity
All relationships have periods of ups and downs. This is normal when some friction or misunderstanding arises from time to time. The problems you may be dealing with may be related to finances, jealousy, doubt, and the fear of being abandoned. More complex cases are loss of confidence, long-term stress, or excessive negativity.
Accept the fact that there is no perfect relationship
Each couple has their own problems, and you will not always share the opinion or emotional state of your partner. Just accept this fact. Do not expect the other person to give you at least 80% of their time and be with you all the time. Such obsessive demands on your part will lead to emotional burnout, which will only exacerbate anxiety.
Talk and discuss
We are all very different people and manifest our feelings and affection in different ways. If you encounter problems in your relationship, the fault of which may be your uncertainty and anxiety, then you have only one strategy - to start over. Get rid of old emotions, clear your perception and look at your partner with a new look. Perhaps this is how you can restore the trust that you had in them initially. Sit down and discuss what each of you wants to see in a relationship, and do everything you can to understand each other's needs.
When you once again feel uneasy, not safe or trapped, and catch yourself filling your life with stress due to non-existent problems, stop yourself and take a deep breath. And then tell yourself, "The problem that I am so concerned about exists only in my head." The ability to distinguish a product of your imagination from what is really happening to you can be a truly important step towards gaining self-confidence.