When the passion is gone, and it is time to take a sober look at your relationship, you understand that something is wrong. No matter how long you have been dating, some couples wear themselves off at the very beginning, others are together for several years until they start noticing signs a relationship is over. What to do in this case and how to spot the problem at the right time? This is what we are going to shed light on today.
Why Relationships End: Main Reasons
What is missing in a relationship when a couple breaks up, even still having feelings for each other? Main reasons when you know a relationship is over are as follows.
- The lack of courage
- Lack of true love
- External problems
- Childhood traumas
- The imbalance between lovers and best friends
Now let's talk about each of these reasons in detail.
- Lack of courage and confidence
Some people believe that they are not worthy of true love, especially if it is unconditional love. They think that their beloved person will leave them sooner or later; they feel crushed when they disappoint their partner, they feel ashamed of it, and they cannot recover. As a result, these people leave first. It seems to them that in this way, they will manage with small losses and save their loved ones from suffering.
Surrounding people, parents, friends, society - everyone has their own opinion. Sometimes we do not believe in ourselves, so we cannot objectively assess whether we are doing the right things in our lives as well as when a relationship is over. We ask other people what is right and what is wrong and reckon with their opinion.
Who did not dream in childhood that their love story would be special? For example, if a child grew up in a family with only one parent or constantly saw how parents were quarreling, such people promise themselves that they would do everything differently, and their children would not experience what they experienced as a child. However, those people who did not have a decent example of the couple's behavior are the most vulnerable and divorce-prone.
Any loss is very scary, and this again leads us to the first reason. People are not sure that they deserve something better or that they are worth a real relationship. So, they get stuck in a comfort zone even if their partner does not satisfy them and then suddenly break up.
If a person breaks up for one of these reasons, then they stop developing emotionally. Usually, such people enter new long-term relationships in which they are less vulnerable, in which there is no risk. In such a relationship, they do not need to deal with these problems, but they will be in a standstill.
Signs Your Relationship Is Over
No matter how long your relationship has been lasting, they no longer bring you joy or high spirits. Your expectations were not met. Now you are disappointed and try to assess what you both expect from this relationship and whether everything is really bad. Maybe this is just a seasonal depression that just needs to be lived through and how to know when a relationship is over? Talk to your partner, and you will see whether they want to return your relationship to the previous level, or those are signs your relationship is over.
- Another way how to know if your relationship is over is that you are sick and tired of your beloved one. If initially, your partner is lazy, stupid, inconsiderate, indifferent to your problems, then it is in vain to dream that someday your love will change them. Most likely, this will not happen. So, you should either put up with this state of affairs (which may adversely affect your moral and physical health) or leave!
- You doubt your relationship, why are you with them? If you question yourself, "Do I even love this person? Is my relationship over?" You may be just afraid of being alone and not meeting social standards. Or you feel a sense of duty and gratitude for what your partner has done for you. However, this is not real love.
- You could try to fall back in love with them again, but it was not crowned with success. How do you know when a relationship is over in this case? It means that you fell in love with your own image of a person but not them. Then you will either have to look at the present and accept it as it is or to leave so that things do not get worse.
- Another cause of frustration of a relationship can be sexual dissatisfaction both yours and your partner. When is a relationship over? In this case, when you wish, you try to fix something, but if you don’t even have a desire, it’s better to let go.
- It is quite possible that your disappointment is due to the fact that you do not see the future of your relationship, and you clearly know that you will not become spouses. Stop trying to fix it.
- The partner’s weaknesses that you didn't notice before have become intolerable. How to know when your relationship is over? You have ceased to forgive them every mistake, and now you are just waiting for them to make it again to start arguing after that.
- One of the signs a relationship is over for men is when they begin to present gifts only for official holidays, while spontaneous surprises are in the past, they do not see the need to please their women just like that, they believe the romance should be reduced as soon as you start living together.
What to Do When Your Relationship Is Over?
First of all, it’s worth deciding on when to put paid to the relationship, and whether it is necessary to continue working on them.
As a rule, there are two types of such relationships. The first is when the relationship is completely spoiled: constant quarrels, disputes, discord, and you are sure that there is no way to understand each other and agree, irritation from each other overlaps possible rays of joy. Such a relationship has simply exhausted themselves and come to their logical end, and there is no point in prolonging their agony as well as in preserving them. It is better to quietly and peacefully break up while the still pleasant memories of the ex, aren't replaced by anger and hatred. Attempting to reanimate such relationships, hiding behind a sense of duty, children or other reasons usually does not lead to anything good.
There is another kind of worn out relationship - all the same quarrels, disputes, scandals, but both parties feel the need for each other, both people want to shout to each other to be heard and improve their relationship. And despite all the turbulent scenes, both partners are dear to each other, they feel a constant attraction, they cannot be without each other. However, something is wrong. This kind of deadlock relationship can be called a spiral dead end. That is, it's time for partners to move to a new level of communication, full of understanding and acceptance. A certain period of their life is over, and a new one is coming, in which they are still dear to each other, but it is difficult for them to realize this moment of transition to a new level. In their attempts to explain each other important things, everyone hears only themselves.
- Step one. To begin with, define your relationship
Ask yourself if your partner's touches, hugs, strokes, kisses are pleasant to you. Despite quarrels and offenses, do you also feel these touches? Do they cause you to have positive feelings, pleasant tides? Ask yourself and listen to your body. Believe us, you can think about a lot of things, but your body will not deceive you. If your partner's touches make you crazy, if you do not feel irritation and discomfort, then everything is okay, you really have something to fight for and save.
- Step two. Take control of your emotions!
Just do not say that you do not have a stop button to hit and forget about your anger, that it is difficult. Yes, it is difficult, but you have a big goal - to maintain and improve your relationship, and this is exactly what you need. And not always both partners can do it at the same time, someone has to be wiser at times, why don’t you put on this role?
So, take control of emotions, keep them, analyze each word of your partner and your own, do not respond with a reproach to the reproach. In the end, try to hear your partner, try to understand exactly what they are telling you, what lies behind their words. Maybe they lack your attention, understanding, interest, tenderness.
Restrain yourself, when the response reproaches are ready to break out of your mouth, change your strategy. After all, you have already understood that your previous strategy does not work, show patience and understanding, it will pay off. Often it is emotions that prevent us from hearing each other. Often, we hear only ourselves, we consider only our point of view as the only correct one. Try to hear the other one.
- Step three. Change the reality. Let's play.
So, you are tired of your relationship, you want to change them, you want to prove something to a partner, to explain something, but you do not know how to do it or how to tell your relationship is over if things get worse. And it is very difficult for you to take emotions under control. There is a good way out.
First, tell each other that you would like to improve your relationships, you would like you to be understood. When you define your positions and desires, ask your partner to switch places: you will become them literally for a while, and your partner will become you. It can just one day, evening or even an hour. During this therapy, you really get close and things that seemed inexplicable will clear up by themselves.
First of all, you'll look at yourself from the side, and secondly, you will feel what your partner experiences, and this will be stronger than any explanations, clarifications, and reproaches. And the very feeling of the game is already relieving tension, returning you to childhood. This is all frivolous, so not scary. You just have to play honestly, otherwise, there will be no effect, that is, you must get as much as possible into the role of the other, at least for an hour.
- Step Four. Learn to talk about your feelings
Actually, this step is a topic for a separate article. Often, we are so afraid of our own feelings that it is easier for us to hide them under various instructions, reproaches. It is easier for us to act as a parent, as a commander or put on any other role, but not as a loving person.
Our fears push us into the very dead end in a relationship from which it is not always easy to get out. So, try to change your language of insults and reproaches, orders and exhortations to the language of love and care. Talk about real feelings, no matter how hard it may be or how surprised your partner may be when you finally will speak your mind. Before you say anything to a partner, ask yourself, "What feelings do I have now?" And say everything you wanted to say but in the language of feelings. Explain why some of their actions hurt you. Did you expect them to do something differently? Talking is the way of understanding.